Behind me in line was a little old woman, who was patiently shuffling right along with the rest of us. Looking cool as a cucumber, with not a care in the world. She must have sensed my annoyance and looked up to me, patted my arm and said, 'Don't worry dear, we'll get there soon enough.' I managed a small smile and decided to strike up a conversation to pass the time. I asked what had brought her to the DMV. I was genuinely curious if, at her advanced age, she was still driving. She said she was waiting in line for her husband who had a hip replacement a few weeks ago and couldn't stand for long periods of time. She motioned to her husband that was sitting on a bench smiling, watching her intently. He looked positively ancient, and radiantly happy. She said he was here to retire his license. He was nearly 85 and his eyes and reflexes weren't what they used to be. She beamed as she spoke of him and glanced at him occasionally with nothing but love and admiration in her eyes. It warmed my heart just a little, and my crankiness began to dissipate. I asked how long they had been married as I marveled at the fact they were still obviously very much in love. She said the had just celebrated their 65th Wedding Anniversary a couple of months ago and she proudly stated she has loved him every day of those 65 years. I congratulated her and asked her what the secret was to such a long, happy marriage. She grabbed my arm to draw me closer and semi-whispered in my ear, 'You need to feed 'em, f*ck 'em, and let a man be a man. That's the secret.' I pulled away and laughed a genuine laugh. To hear such a sweet, little old woman drop the f-bomb in public caught me off guard. A few bystanders who managed to hear her stage whisper also joined in the laughter. She smiled and relished in the fact that she had shocked me with her words.
After my laughter subsided, I started to think about the meaning of her advice, besides its initial shock value. The first two pieces of advice, of course, made sense to me. For as long as I could remember, I've always heard the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. And the other, well that just made good sense. However, I wasn't exactly sure what she meant by 'letting a man be a man.' So I asked her to elaborate. She then went on to explain, if you want someone to shop with, go to the beauty parlor with, cook with, do laundry with, etc, then go get some girlfriends. That's not what men are for. If you want a protector, someone with strength and respect for you, if you want a man to act like a man, then you need to treat him like one. Let him go out with is friends, let him watch sports, let him do man things. She went on to explain she was very young when she got married and she had no idea what marriage was about and what role she was supposed to play. She was excited to have someone accompany her on daily tasks and tried to turn him into one of her girlfriends. After the first two years, after the newness and excitement of marriage wore off, they began to fight constantly. He would refuse to go to the beauty parlor and dress shopping with her. She said it would hurt her feelings that he didn't want to spend time with her until one day she asked him why he never wanted to go with her anywhere. He simply said, ' Because I'm a man. That's not what men do. Sometimes I just want to sit home and listen to the game on the radio and putter around the garage fixing things. I don't want to go dress shopping, I don't want to be your friend. I want to be your husband.' She then said it all immediately made sense to her. He was right. She had tons of woman-friends who would be more than happy to do all those things with her, but only one husband. And ever since that day, their marriage had been picture perfect.
We soon reached the end of the line and I thanked her for talking with me and helping pass the time. As we parted ways, she tipped me a wink and said, 'Remember my words dear, if you remember nothing else. Trust me, that advice will serve you well.' That was about 10 years ago when I was single. And over the years, her advices has stuck with me. I've always tried to put into practice letting a man be a man. There are times I find myself trying to convince my husband to come shopping with me or to keep me company when I get my nails done. When he seems less than receptive, those words of advice come flooding back to me and I let it go.
We do plenty of things together, and a little separation has does our relationship and marriage a world of good. What I've taken away from it is finding a balance. A balance where I can enjoy the things that make me uniquely me as a woman, and allowing my husband to do the things he enjoys that makes him uniquely a man. Now this advice probably isn't for everyone. Some men enjoy shopping with their wives, and some women enjoy watching sports, etc. Some couples can spend every moment of every day together without incident. Things are very different now as compared to that little old woman's time, but it is good advice nonetheless. While the concept may be a little old fashioned in this day and age, I think it's good to celebrate our individuality as men and women and have our own roles in a relationship.
I'm no relationship expert by any means, but I do feel that woman's sage advice has served me well over the years. My hope is that someone who reads this may benefit from it as well.
xoxo Kristen
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